Would the real DudeMan please stand up?

I'll never forget the moments after team "the full dudemen" won the RedBull Divide and Conquer. All the racers were hanging out at the RedBull tent and over the megaphone we heard 'would the full dude man please come up to the stage'.  This was a call for our team to come to the stage; however, there was like 5 or 6 other guys who also walked up to the stage.  They of course were thinking, 'Hey, I'm a full dude man'. So this brings up the question who and what makes a dude man a dude man? I'll try and fill you in with 8 simple rules and attitudes that can make you a dude man.

1-Dude Man is the master of all, and jack of none.  This comes from the phrase 'jack of all trades, master of none'. So basically dude man is just good at everything he touches.  He is oozing with talent in everything he does. He can try wind surfing on a whim and just slay it.  Dude man is kinda like Chuck Norris.

2- Dude Man don't care.  Dude Man is like the honey badger:

He just don't care.  It's pissing rain? Dude Man don't care.  We have to sleep in car?  Dude Man don't care.  

Dude Man sleeps with sunglasses on.

You wanna drive 8 hours both ways to do a 4 hour bike ride?  Dude Man don't care.  You wanna have cereal for dinner? Dude Man don't care. You shovel chicken shit for a living?  Dude Man don't care.  You haven't had a shower in 2 weeks? Dude Man don't care.

3-Dude Man is on a full-dairy, full-meat, full-gluten diet.  

Clean your plate, son.

He does't show up at a dinner party and say 'Oh, I'm vegan and I won't eat that rare bloody steak.  Oh, does that beer have gluten in it?  I can't drink that.  Ice cream gives me gas.'  Dude man!  If ice cream gives you gas, that's sweet.  Your own brand is not so bad.  Dude Man just eats everything and doesn't complain about it.

4-Dude Man gets shit done.  It might not always be pretty, but it always gets done.   Dude Man is persistent.  

When there is a tree across the road, you just build a new road around it.    

New road.

You break your chain?  You have a chain tool and you know how to use it.   Skins not sticking?  You duct-tape them on.  Dude Man can suck it up.

You need to go from Liptovsky to Prague in a compact when a few dudes, a few boats, and a bike?  No problem.

5-Dude Man does not play games. That means no sucking up to the fire chief to get that napping and bbq job. No whoring yourself out to the industry to get a free set of tires.  Dude Man tells it like it is and bends over at the cash register if need be.  However, Dude Man does everything in his power to avoid paying retail.

6-Dude Man is not a punter.  When it's 4th down, Dude Man sends out Peyton Manning and goes long. He doesn't send out the kicker and just give the ball away.  When there is a river-wide hole the size of China,  Dude Man boofs it like a champ and maybe gets pitted, so pitted.  

Or if there is a sick booter into a blower pillow line, Dude Man just goes for the back flip and maybe ends up doing a lawn dart.   Or he sticks it.  It's all cool dawg.

Full lawn dart.

7-Dude Man doesn't always race, but when he does, he races to win.  Half-ass is not in Dude Man's vocabulary.  It's full win-or-hospital.  Either you don't care to compare yourself to other people, or you're going to crush their balls.  

Dylan Wolsky, of The Nomads, leaving it all on the trail.

8-Dude man is not a dick swinger.  A dick swinger is someone who has something that's not really needed but you want to show others how big your dick really is.  Like they guy driving his lifted Dodge Cummins diesel truck down Robson Street with 2 sleds in the back.  He revs his engine saying check out my dick, its huge! Or the guy who lives in a 6000 sq ft house with a 4-car garage.  Maybe he needs the 4th garage to make his house into a massive dick?  Dude Man doesn't need to swing his dick.  When it comes down to it, we are all really just mid-pack in the rat race, and there is no need to swing your dick around, except as a joke.

Are you a full dude man?